If you enjoy waking up every day of your holiday feeling like an absolute dickhead, then a Cruise Shit is for you.
I mean to be pretty rude when I say that a Cruise Shit is the single most horrendous thing a person can spend their (high amount) of money on.
I’ve recently returned from an entire week on a tacky floating hotel disguised as a luxury Mediterranean getaway for cheeseballs.
I did not pay for said cruise but accepted it as a gift which I embraced as an experience, which conveniently turned out to be an experience waaaaay out of my comfort zone.
‘A CRUISE you say? Out of your comfort zone?’ Please… hear me out.
The Italian Cruise Shit I floated on is a big obnoxious jerk of a ship that claims to be “first in an exceptional class of cruise ships”. Oh man, I’d hate to see the décor on the other shits.
“She” (like it even has a vagina) includes all the features you’d expect – an over-priced beauty parlour, a selection of swimming pools riddled with kids, a few hydro-massage pools (hot tubs to us destitutes) full of fat tourists in gold chains, coffee bars to keep you sane, shops to take you for all you’re worth, an extremely tacky Swarovski floor…
(Swarovski floor… you is UG-LY!)
…and an exceptional crew service that demolishes basic employee and human rights.
Basically, I spent seven days avoiding eye contact with crew staff to save myself from heart wrench; while I was walking around being mad at the boat for imprisoning me, drowning my disgust with classic martinis, some of the crew were on their EIGHTH month of cleaning up after rich idiots. WITHOUT. A. SINGLE. DAY. BREAK.
(I’m not a good person.)
I’m not lying.
I spoke to many crew folk who warily informed me of the Shit’s slave-labour conditions. Staff on this shit were from all over the world – rich countries and poor countries; some of them came every year to work for peanuts.
Day in and day out they watch as wealthy foreigners overindulge on everything while they do things like unnecessarily service the cabins 2-3 times a day, and pack and unpack hundreds of deck chairs morning and night.
It was really depressing to be a part of.
So it came at no surprise to me when I came home and got Googling to find that Brazilian police say they “rescued” 11 crew members working on MSC Magnifica back in April.
And you want to know the icing-on-the-cake part?
We saw a bloody sign on the back of a staff door reading:
REMEMBER TO SMILE
So apart from the biggest reason why I hate Cruise Shits, as expressed above, there is also, unsurprisingly, nothing conventionally “cool” about them. At all.
And I’m not even that cool of a dude, so my standards aren’t even that high.
If you enjoy cringing at cheesy entertainment until your face burns, then a Cruise Shit is for you.
I’m having a little squirm right now just thinking about it.
You’re sober as a goat.
Minding your own business by the pool.
Just trying to soak up some Mediterranian summer sun before the Shit ports again. Everything seems relatively normal.
..some muppet suddenly takes to the microphone and decides it’s time for the Shit’s morning aerobics class; suddenly the air is filled with fruity tunes and people start flocking to the stage to shake it like a very strange polaroid picture.
Not really any children because they are off weeing in the pool.
I couldn’t stop watching them. It was incredible. Sometimes I had to have a break and punch myself in the face to see if it was a dream.
(There they are. Look at them.)
Don’t get me started on the Gala Dinner, which turned out to just be a normal dinner night but everyone dressed up and told each other how well they scrubbed up.
Of course once dinner was over everyone was just left wandering around the boat like they had somewhere to go. But they didn’t, because it wasn’t the Titanic movie.
So they all just looked like absolute pork chops.
If you are a person with zero sense of adventure, then a Cruise Shit is for you.
It’s like picking the anchovies off and leaving the pizza – you get a bit of an uncertain taste and wonder what it would have tasted like with the full pizza. It’s a massive struggle to see past the surface of anywhere the Shit ports at because it’s there for like 10 minutes.
After having to follow strict and boring disembarking procedures, you’re crammed into a crowded shuttle bus which has set you back another €10. They drop you into the most touristy place they can find and you watch the spot-you-from-a-mile-away tourists scatter off like bugs to ask the locals stupid questions.
If you haven’t already paid an extra €100 per bug to do one of the Shit’s organised tours, you can usually find the exact same tour by yourself and pay a fraction of the price. But by the time you realise that a tour is your only real option to see anything, you’re already like ’OH DEAR, look at the time, it’s time to get back on the Cruise Shit. Where did it park again?’
(Cruise Shits closing in on Santorini)
If you enjoy eating slimy, chewy, pink, smelly, sour, dry, plastic, bland food, then a Cruise Shit is for you.
It’s really hard to criticise the food when I know how hard the poor staff on the Shit work to produce breakfast, lunch and dinner, for thousands of people, every day, FOR EIGHT CONSECUTIVE MONTHS.
But I’m going to do it anyway because I hate Cruise Shits.
I had absolutely no desire whatsoever to take a single food shot at any single moment during Cruise-Shit. My Instagram page went hungry for a week because I couldn’t get excited about a plate full of assorted junk parts.
Of course there was some nice stuff; like the fresh fruits, salads, pizzas and some desserts…but I still can’t come close to praising the Shit because I’m about to address my next morally exhausting issue…
The COPIOUS amounts of food waste is a total travesty; the Shit literally floats around offloading its shit at different ports.
The Greek ports were all ‘Hey thanks for all your food waste, Cruise Shit, let me just show it to all the people still struggling with recession over here and see what they think of you and your tourist folk”.
I wasted food. And I’m not proud. And I wish the Cruise Shit had a chook bucket.
In short, I’m mad at the Cruise industry.
(The decor offends me.)
They make an absolute mint off people on those things. They can cost anywhere between £750 and CRAZY per person and that’s just the start. They take money at every opportunity they can and the poor staff see a very small percentage of it.
Honestly, I enjoyed my time with my friend and his family on the trip and tried to find the humour in every situation but what I didn’t enjoy was the fact that the trip was mostly a massive guilt trip.
While I know I always try to be a funny bugger with my writing, I think that the treatment of the staff on cruise ships is a serious issue which needs more light shed on it.
As well as the issues of ignorant, insensitive tourists being pests in foreign countries… and Crocs.