Due to my extremely comfortable weekend mostly under the influence of alcohol, the zones bordering my comfort were barely considered. So for this week’s entry, please enjoy a little taste of how much of a weirdo I was as an early teen. It’s fantastically gross.
To start off the cringe-worthy tale, have a look at this comment I posted on an article titled ‘THE SUMMER THE OUIJI BOARD TOLD MY FRIENDS AND I WHICH ONE OF US WOULD DIE’. This is from the year 2000.
I know – it’s totally weird to think we even had the internet 14 years ago, let alone creepy teenagers who were using it to find ways to talk to the dead. I honestly can’t believe I was ever like that. The title alone gives me anxiety, so why at one point in my life I was totally comfortable with reading the entire article and then endeavouring out to engage in the same sort of sick activity, is beyond me.
I did it though. My friend Jane and I constructed a ouija board. I can’t remember if it ever worked because the boys we did it with were knobs and smoked too much pot and tried to scare us. What I do remember is being tremendously perplexed about how to dispose of it once we decided talking to the dead was way too scary for an after-school hobby. I wanted to chuck it in the fire place but thought that would just release spirits into my family home. Burying it was another considered option but then I didn’t want to Jumanji it and unleash hell for future generations who would dig it up.
I eventually asked my dad to deal with it because he didn’t seem remotely as frightened as me and I’m never going to ask what he did with it because it’s just going to stir the dead. I know it will.
Anyway, so I was weird, we’ve now established that much. But I wasn’t evil (even though I started to wear black eyeliner to school every day and wouldn’t let my mum buy me shoes that didn’t have at least 2 inches of platform). When I practiced my witchcraft in my bedroom as an early teen, I practiced WHITE witchcraft. You know, blessing my family and friends with good energy, and casting spells on my crush to make him crush back on me.
Sometimes I’d get in trouble at dinner because Mum couldn’t find the table salt.
‘Oh it’s in Jessica’s room again, she’s been casting spells again…’
‘Sorry family, needed to make a protection circle.’
When eBay first came out I was stoked because I was able to buy not only tartan mini skirts but also this cool black t-shirt with bold white writing across the front, which read ‘SORRY I MISSED CHURCH, I WAS BUSY PRACTICING WITCHCRAFT AND BECOMING A LESBIAN.’ Funnily enough my mum was always pretty proud of that tee. She’d tell all the soccer mums about it at my brothers’ sports games on Saturdays. Pretty funny really because while their daughters were off playing Saturday netball, I was at home putting curses on the bully ones with my blood in a cauldron.
I also had tarot cards for a while, this was how I provided entertainment to friends who visited me on weekends. I got quite good at it I think. And by good at it I mean I got quite good at spinning shit about what different card sequences meant. It was always pretty tricky to not scare people when they got the death card though.
‘Look, I’m not a doctor, but I don’t think you are going to die on holiday. That death card between the beach and the dog cards probably just means your dog will die while you are on holiday.’
I eventually tired of those and sold the cards on eBay. I think next I moved on to astrology, where I would obsess over how compatible my star sign was with the boy I was ‘going out with’ (to absolutely nowhere but school) at the time.
So between the ages of about 11 to 15 I managed to pull off being a Catholic, a Medium, a White Witch, a Psychic and an Astrologist.
Now I’m socially retarded and scared of the dark. It’s funny how our pasts shape our future.