My 4 New Year’s Resolutions… and my punishments for breaking them

This morning I woke up with mosquito bites on my feet in the backyard of the hostel I’m staying at in Goa. I’m paying for an overpriced bed in a dorm room but I was forced out by the horrendous sound of a man snoring at 4am.

As I lay wide-awake last night – eyes twitching and teeth grinding – trying to suppress my raging fury, I was struck with a realisation: This unpleasant situation was my own fault.

I was in this grim situation as a direct consequence of the conscious choice I made to stay in a dorm room. I already knew I hated sleeping in dorm rooms, primarily for this reason. This was not my first rodeo and sharing a bunk with a snorting snuffling 50-year-old backpacker was a bull I’d ridden before.

I can’t blame that man who took a break from his wife and kids to grow his beard and walk around barefooted and alone in India for a few months; he belonged in that dorm room, dorm rooms exist for people like him.

So as we sit on the cusp of the New Year and everyone shares the resolutions they’re unlikely to stick to, I thought I would spice mine up a little by setting uncomfortable consequences for breaking them.

Resolution 1

Get my book proposal to an agent by the end of 2016

Punishment for disobeying

Write 100,000 lines with a pen: I will get my book proposal done by 2017

Resolution 2

No more “social smoking”, you loser

Punishment for disobeying

Stub that shit out on your own skin

Resolution 3

DON’T send text messages you have ANY doubt about

Punishment for disobeying

Suffer even worse social anxiety by publishing the text on Facebook for everyone to see

Resolution 4

Visit a retirement home at least once a month

Punishment for disobeying

Pay £100 to charity that month and go to bed without dinner



1 Response

  1. Anthony

    Happy New Year Jessica. I really like your idea for punishments for not sticking to New Years resolution.

    My resolution is to lose weight. I hate being really overweight. My punishment for losing track of my weight loss is 50 sit ups and 100 lines. Which will be I must try much harder in my weight loss.

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