You know how you’re told little things in life and some of them just stay with you forever? Well one of those things has scarred my memory. It was told to me by an old boyfriend and it was about him penetrating a girl from behind and observing that she hadn’t wiped properly. HEY! I don’t like talking about this stuff as much as you don’t like reading it. But I honestly think the West deserves to know how dirty their little sphincters probably are all the time.
It’s actually crazy considering how up in arms we are about hygiene in other areas. Millions of dollars are spent on advertising products that keep our scalps and kitchen benches clean. But when it comes to cleaning up after number twos, all we get is kids and puppies playing with cushy toilet rolls. It seems the West cares more about a nice velvety wiping than the wholesomeness of their derrières.
I’ve been to Asia a few times now and every time I return home I tell myself I will never go back to solely using toilet paper. It’s simply not reliable enough in supplying the anal hygiene I so crave and desire. Allow me to refer to two lines from this hilariously written article by Muslim, Javaria Akbar:
- To me, using tissue paper alone to wipe clean my crack is like vacuuming an entire house with a Dustbuster—you’re inevitably going to miss bits.
- I think my cousin Mahum put it best when she said, “If a bird shat on your hand you wouldn’t just wipe it off with a tissue would you?”
Think about it girls. Does makeup come off with a dry Kleenex?
Now I’m not sure that the Quran actually invented the brilliant idea of using water to wash away your poo poos, as it’s a widely used method all across Asia and various religions. But the cleanliness of one’s bottom is actually part of the Muslim faith believe it or not. Islam, as I understand, teaches that a clean body is a clean spirit. Therefore, if you’re a non-Muslim coming into contact with a Muslim, you can bet your ass their’s is cleaner than yours.
Now, one way to keep things squeaky clean between your cheeks is using a vessel called a lota. I believe this requires you to use your hand a bit too. Which I don’t really see a problem with if you’re going to be lathering your paws up in soap afterwards. But when I build my home, I will be installing a spray hose. If you’ve been to Asia you’ve likely come across one in most bathrooms. They’re like little water pistols that give first time users a bit of a jolt, but become a welcome watery disco for your private parts later. Especially once you can fully appreciate how well they mean. All you do is give your little date a bit of a Squirty McSquirt Squirt and finish the job off with toilet paper. And voila! Clean as an Asian.
As an Australian, I am proud of the innovation we have brought to toilet time around the globe. I am. The dual flush was a superb invention to save drought-riddled countries a bit of valuable H2O. But honestly, woopdeedoo, what good is national pride if we are all getting around with dirty bums?